Kiss
Puke
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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