Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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