Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
