So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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