Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
