so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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