We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
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