Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize