Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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