An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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