i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
