Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I can text with my tongue
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize