Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
