this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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