the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
You smell like stripper and shame
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
