The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
