He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
