You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
