I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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