I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
