My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
