I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
