i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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