im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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