he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
