Sry I called you an 8
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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