So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
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