i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
