I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
