I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
