She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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