Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
