An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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