I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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