Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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