Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Randomize
