I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
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