You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
