i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
