I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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