My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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