I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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