hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Randomize
