ya dads aren't the best wingmen
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
