I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
