Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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