literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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