If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I will pee on everything he values.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
