its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
