I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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