cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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