**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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