Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
