At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
