I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize