Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
