Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
my liver is dry heaving
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
