I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
