Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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